Common questions showing up in my inbox. What is marriage to me, why did I stay, and why did I go? I stayed because I was married, and because the reasons I said yes still lived in my heart. Marriage for me was never a carless choice. We've all seen the Hallmark version the impossible fairytale where relationships, love, marriage is only highs, laughter, and perfection. That's not my idea of the fairytale, mine is one where the things that matter most to me are found in a person who encourages me to be my best and loves me fiercely even at my worst. It's a daily investment, a bank with many accounts.
When love, loyalty, sacrifice, and devotion are not poured into all of them, imbalance is inevitable and the neglected accounts are left overdrawn. I think that I have said it previous posts that staying was not easy but it was something during that time I believed was right. I still clung to the hope that one day he would recognize all I poured into him for love, for family, for us. I was naive for a long time, convinced that all people are good. Maybe that's still true. OR maybe the truth is that while good exists in everyone, not everyone is meant to be good for me.
It was when I stopped filling his bank and instead focused on my daughter and myself that his true colors, always there, just muted began to emerge vividly. What followed was a cycle. First came fear: sudden effort, urgency, and trying born not from love, but from the fear of losing us. It felt hollow, performative, dishonest. Then came anger and rage, harder to fully describe, but rooted in an attempt to instill fear in us, to suggest that he might leave first. After that came silence. What I understand now is that it was likely his way of dealing with the shame of how he had treated the two people he was meant to protect and the realization that he had failed miserably in his role. And then the cycle would repeat.
In short, I stayed because I hadn't lost my belief in marriage and had not come to the realization that I wasn't in a true marriage, and because I hadn't yet found the courage to believe that I deserved better, that I deserve it all without doubt and uncertainty. For too long I believed that, that was as good as it gets, until, one day I didn't. I believed that the right person would one day arrive and make my place in his life unmistakably clear, free of unhealth cycles, games, or confusion. Until that day I made a promise to myself to fill my own bank with the love , loyalty, and devotion, I wished to receive.
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