The Truth In Moving On

"How quickly were you able to forget about your ex-husband and move on with your life?"

There’s no easy answer to that question. And to be honest, my response might sound harsh to some as I unravel it. The reality is I didn’t just forget him, people aren't meant to be erased. He was part of my story, but somewhere in the midst of it, I realized I needed to rewrite my ending. But moving on wasn't about forgetting him, it was about remembering myself.

Healing didn’t come with a set timeline. It wasn’t about a countdown to freedom or waking up one day magically unburdened. For far too long, I wasn’t a priority not to him, and not even to myself. He had 100% of the focus from both of us. I poured into him, into the idea of “us,” and left nothing for myself in the process. There were no sweet compliments. No shared meals, he would pick up food just for himself and eat it in front of us. No effort toward connection no date nights, no planned trips. Family events? Always a negotiation. Everything felt forced.

So, I started doing something in quiet, I began fighting to remember what it felt like to be happy. I started moving on while I was still in the marriage. It got to the point where we no longer shared a room or even a life. If he came home, I went out. If I had nowhere to go, I’d sit outside on the patio or in my daughter’s room just to breathe. Eventually, I started reading and listening to pod casts about surviving life with a narcissist and it opened my eyes in ways I hadn’t expected. I learned that to coexist with someone like that, you have to give up pieces of yourself which, deep down, I guess I had already known. But reading it… hearing it spoken out loud… it settled into me with a different kind of resonance. It didn’t just make sense, it hit. You must concede to their world, their rules, their needs. And the more I understood that the more I realized, I could no longer deny how much of myself had already been lost, I had completely disappeared. There was no part of me left untouched by the neglect and I couldn’t survive like that, not and still be me. So, I started talking, writing, processing, and one of the first things I did was create two lists.

“A Bucket List,” we all know these but mine was simply the things I had always wanted to do but never allowed myself to even consider or carve out time for nothing grand, and the other “My Non-Negotiables,” the core needs I would never again sacrifice for a relationship:

1. Someone who consistently shows up.
2. Someone who wants to build a life WITH me, not together and separate. 
3. Someone who supports and encourages my growth.
4. Someone who prioritizes us and invests in a healthy partnership.
5. Someone who reminds me how amazing I am. Because let’s be honest no one gets married or into a relationship thinking, “I hope my partner makes me feel invisible.”

So, if you're hoping for a specific number “It took me X months” I don’t have one. What I do have is the understanding that moving on is less about speed and more about depth. It's not about how fast you forget someone more importantly, it’s about how honestly you face the truth, how you own and learn about your part in all of it, how kindly you treat yourself along the way, and how courageously you reclaim your future.  I didn’t erase him, and I didn’t forget him. But I can honestly say that as I go about all of my days… I don’t think of him anymore. And that, to me, is an incredible feeling an incredible point to reach.

I look forward to your questions or your feedback. Please comment below or email me at sheleftthefog@gmil.com. Until next month!